Boundaries… The Misunderstood Black Sheep

I had to do a lot of learning with this word… boundaries. To me boundaries were big brick walls that sectioned things off. They were large, cold, jagged structures that cut me off from the world. I didn’t want anyone to have boundaries with me. Well not people that I was close to anyway. I wanted access, because access meant that I was liked and loved. I was welcomed. I didn’t want to create boundaries with anyone that I loved either because I thought that,  that was selfish or weak. I should be strong enough to bare anything that the world threw at me… and by the world I really meant family and close friends. I shouldn’t care what someone says or does. By the way, not caring to me meant having no emotional reaction… well no negative emotional reactions. Oh and pettiness didn’t count as negative to me for some reason. Pettiness was like confidence, but in a positive-negative sort of way. Well Maury determined that “that was a lie.” Pettiness is negative too. We’ll talk more about the emotional side of boundaries in a different post.

Anyway back to boundaries. 

So I had this thought, this negative feeling, this unhealthy relationship with boundaries. Which resulted in me being afraid to ever have the audacity to set a boundary within my close relationships. I have no clue where I picked this up because my mother is the queen of boundaries and protecting her peace… probably t.v…(if I don’t know the answer I like to blame things on t.v. it helps me not get lost in over analyzing things)

What does matter, is that for some reason I had linked true love and authentic friendships with a big sign that read “no boundaries needed here.” I kind of let that lead the criteria. Until one day I found myself feeling overwhelmingly burnt out and honestly… kinda depressed. Happened towards the tail end of college. I kinda stopped talking with everyone. Didn’t go out anymore and poured myself into the self-help section of Barnes and Nobles. Kicked it off with The Alchemist, such a great book, gave me the momentum I needed to power myself through like 10 books that summer. But! Ultimately, I learned about healthy boundaries from the actions of my mother. I could’ve saved my coins and picked up the phone. Ha! Just kiddinggg, the books had many gems in them as well.

 

My Discomfort Isn’t Required

Back to my mother.

Long story short, my mother was having a conflict with a family member.  Better yet, a family member was having a conflict with my mother, because my mom was unbothered honey. (clap clap CLAP). Again, she’s the master of protecting her energy and peace.

Anyway, my mom didn’t want to attend a family function because there was an element regarding the setting that made her uncomfortable. She wasn’t advocating for a change in the event, nor trying to manipulate a change being made on her behalf through her declination to attend. She simply chose her comfort over the event. Her decision upset the family member who felt that if she cared, she would attend anyway. 

Okay… Ya’ll ready? Here is where the gem was dropped. (*Kevin Hart voice… uhhh hmmmm** It’s about to go downnn)

When I asked her why she still chose not to attend even though it was causing the family member to feel hurt and possibly unloved she said, “that’s how THEY feel, I’m not making MYSELF uncomfortable because of that.” She then continued playing spades on her phone. (child of a black mama translation) “I am not responsible for how someone else feels, and my discomfort should not be required to “make” someone else feel loved.” (Now leave me to continue playing my game, you tryin to mess with my energy) BOOM!!! My mind was blown.

Lesson learned: My discomfort isn’t required to make someone else feel loved, or better, or happy, or anything. The first boundaries I had to learn to set were the ones within myself. What areas within my life had I been sacrificing my own comfort or happiness for someone else’s? Where was I taking on the responsibility of living my life in a way that made other people happy? Why wasn’t I prioritizing myself gah dammit?!… 

The answer I realized came down to one word… rejection. 

 

The Power of No

Talk about taking this back full circle to the first paragraph of this post. I realized I purposely wasn’t focused on my own happiness, and fearful of what the word “no” would result in when used with my friends and family.

Now don’t get me wrong. I said no alllll the time. I’m the youngest, also known as the baby of the family. -Judge me if you want haha but I’m the youngest, a millennial, black, a woman, and proud of it. BAM! Take all them cookies and see what assumptions come with it.

-Back on topic.

No ,is like our favorite word (baby’s of the family). I just didn’t say it often with the people in my second tier of the my inner circle. You know that tier that includes close friends but not your best friends and has the family members you feel obligated to because of title not necessarily because of the state of your actual relationship. Yeah. That tier. That was my most draining tier. The habitual line stepping tier. The tier that for some reason always felt entitled to my time or energy without regard for what I had going on in my life. Also the tier that I didn’t truly know on a personal level nor did they really know me. So the love kinda felt conditional because well… it was. I hadn’t even given them the chance to truly understand me or how I operate because I had given them permission to only be concerned with themselves. So when I constructed these big ‘ol self-care, loving boundaries they didn’t know how to act. Whew chile… some of them acted out. Mmm hmmm acted themselves right on out of my life. Haha yes they did!!! Some of them loved getting to know more about me and shared more about themselves and ended up getting bumped up to that first tier (The bestie and in-real-life close family tier). A few simply respected my voice and nestled right into the second tier but with a new found respect for little ‘ol me.

 

It’s A New Day It’s A New Life: And I’m Feelin Good

It was beautiful. It was freedom. It was terrifying but also liberating. I was instantly addicted. It was my first step in this new world of healthy, sturdy, loving, boundaries. It brought me closer to myself, my strength, and my joy. It was the gateway to diving deeper into myself, allowing me to finally outline the life I wanted with the interactions I would accept and the relationships I enjoyed.

Even better, it wasn’t quite as terrifying as I thought it would be. Buuuut… There was an unexpected mourning period that sprung it’s ugly, snag-a-tooth, looking head once I stepped away from the people who didn’t know how to act. Somehow, even that was empowering in the end. I’ll talk more about in my next post. I’ll call it: Did You Set Boundaries And Now You’re Mourning The Folks That Didn’t Respect Them? Girl I Did Too, Here’s How I Got Through It! AKA The Emotional Side of Boundaries. Whewwww  Chile I really put my foot in that title right?… Riiiigh?!!! :)… nah? LOL I know… Well at least you know where to find it and what to expect. LOL Imma stop. Until next time Litties.

Sparkle babes!